Kitchen Basics: Part 2 - What the Fuck do I do now?

Okay. So, you got your tools. You've got skillets and spoons coming out of your ass.

Now, what the hell do I do when I start using it?

Good question. Some of this should seem like common sense but here are a few things that are good to know:

· READ the recipe. Carefully. In advance so that you know how much time you need, what materials you need, and make sure you have the ingredients. It would really suck to get halfway through and then find out that you were supposed to marinate or simmer something for an hour and you only have 20 minutes.

· Prep all your ingredients before you start cooking. This is called “mise en place” pronounced (MEEZ ahn plahs) – translated from French it means "putting in place" or "everything in its place". Do all your slicing, dicing, mincing, chopping, peeling, etc.. Measure out your liquids and dry ingredients, BEFORE you start cooking as much as reasonably possible. Keep everything separated, (remember, you should have 2 cutting boards, one is just for meat) preferably keeping smaller things in prep bowls if you have them. This will help keep you organized. If you’re organized, you’ll be less likely to forget a step or burn something because you weren’t paying attention or because you were chopping something. Make Anne Burrell and Tyler Florence proud and mise en place the shit outta your station.

· Keep your knife SHARP. A dull knife will be ineffective at best and will slip and cut your damn fingers off at worst. Almost all kitchen accidents occur due to dull knives. Also - Do NOT wash your knife in the dishwasher! Aside from the fact that it’s dangerous it will also dull and possibly misshape your knife. And don’t stick it in the bottom of the sink with the soapy water to soak either. People… have you ever reached down to the bottom of murky sink water to find yourself poked with a fork? Imagine that with a sharp knife. No. Just don’t do it. Take 20 seconds to hand wash and dry it before putting it away once you’ve done your mise en place.

· For the love of GOD keep your cutting boards clean and keep your raw meats and fish separate from the other ingredients to avoid cross contamination. (Hence the separate boards) You like food poisoning? Didn’t think so. You may also want to consider washing or switching out your tongs and other cooking utensils every time to use them for handling raw meat. Again, to avoid cross contamination.

· Speaking of clean - WASH YOUR HANDS! Before, during, and after the process of cooking. Your hands are your best cooking tool. You will use them frequently - Mix meat with them, toss veggies with them, knead dough with them…they are gonna get messy. WASH THEM! This should go without saying (especially nowadays) but trust me, you’d be amazed at how many people I’ve seen go from handling raw meat to handling veggies without doing so and then wonder why they almost killed their families.

· If you’re going to make changes or substitutions, think about them first. Make sure it makes sense. You know what tastes good and what doesn’t. You should experiment and have fun - BUT make sure it is a substitution that isn’t going to really fuck up your dish. Science is especially important in baking. Google that shit if you’re not sure. For example: Baking soda and Baking Powder are not the same thing and should not be used the same way. When I first started cooking, I found this out the hard way. Don’t repeat the sins of my past and let your ego get in the way - Just google it, hence why the next step is important as hell.

· It bears repeating: READ the recipe. Carefully. In advance so that you know how much time you need, what materials you need, and make sure you have the ingredients. JUST READ IT FIRST. Read it AGAIN. Make sure you can follow it. Make sure you have what you need. I repeat this because well, Mike (aka: my boyfriend, aka: Moose) was making dinner one night, to give me the night off… but instead, I think I lost a year off my life. I sat there, with a glass of wine, cringing, while he went back and forth from the recipe to the stove, and back and forth again, and then used a regular metal fork on my non-stick pan, and then back and forth to the recipe some more while smoke bellowed and then used the metal fork on my pan again and I died a little inside. Jesus. From that point on, I make sure to gently reinforce the "read it first and be prepared" rules every time he decides to give me the night off.

POP QUIZ!

What should we do FIRST?

Read the recipe. In advance.

What should we do after that?

Re-Read the recipe.

What else should we do once we’ve read the recipe?

Mise en place. Keep it organized. Be prepared.

If you got to the end of this and passed those three questions, you’re going to be just fine. The most important rule though: Have FUN! It’ll get messy sometimes, embrace it. That’s part of the fun, especially if you have kids. Let them get involved if they are old enough and you have room in your kitchen for more than one person. (I don’t. The Dog is constantly underfoot awaiting fallen scraps and Moose is always nosing around behind me. It gets crowded with all that… love). You can clean the counters and the floor after (or enlist the non-cooking housemate to do so)… let the messes, and the memories, happen.

I hope you found this helpful – now let’s get our asses in the kitchen and get cooking.