I bet you're wondering where the fuck I've been. I can explain!
See, Mama had to go and get herself another civilian job in the summer of 2020 (in the middle of the goddamn pandemic). And then I had to get a second job because 2020 took all my money (as I'm sure all of you can relate) but rent still went up (and up and up).
Also, putting all my cards on the table: I was battling some demons. I needed to take that time and take care of myself. That is still an ongoing battle that I’ll talk about another time.
Then I got a dream job in March of 2022 and if you follow my Instagram, you know that I absolutely loved it. Traveling for trade shows, working with food, running a business, being a #girlboss. I was also following the dream of Directing more theatre... when I tell you that I was HUSTLING, you better believe it. I threw myself into my job 100%. I know how good I am at what I do and while it was sometimes very long hours and a lot of stress, I was KILLING it. I made many sacrifices because I believed this was going to be a career, not just a job.
Well, long story short, shit went south quickly and somewhat unexpectedly. Now, for the first time in my adult life, I am truly unemployed. This is not what I had on my vision board for 2023.
I won’t go into the how and why, but I will say it was the right thing. What I gained in experience cannot be understated and those skills will carry into whatever I do next. I am grateful for what I learned and the connections I made. But, in the process, I lost so much of myself. I lost focus of my goals and priorities for my own life. And I was still working for someone else at the end of the day and not for myself. But I kept telling myself it will be ok! I'll eventually find the time! The money will come! As they grow, so will I! I'll be rewarded for my sacrifices!
*sigh* Yeah, I fell for that shit again.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don't sit still very well. I have been working since I was 12. I have never not worked. I don’t know what to do when not working. Within 48 hours of being let go, I started hustling again. I’m enrolled in a new class to help grow my skills. I had already started applying for other jobs. (Btw, y'all, it sucks out here. I promise, Boomers, we aren’t making it up. At time of this publishing, I have applied for over 80 jobs, taken 15 assessments equating to 40 hours of time, had 4 in-person interviews, three phone screenings, and 1 zoom interview.) I’m cleaning a lot. I’m cooking a lot. And boyyyy have I tested my ability to meal prep on what’s now going to be a very, very small budget with just one income. I have picked up some teaching jobs, got another directing contract, and am cast in another play; Nothing full time but its something. But in between all of this, I find that I still have time to sit the fuck down and do… nothing.
Have you have been forced to just sit and listen to your own thoughts? Being thrust into one’s own brain and having to actually think about your crap is not my ideal way to spend this abundance of free time. The intrusive thoughts, the past traumas, the self-doubt, the body image issues, all of the woulda coulda shoulda’s, all of the ‘but if this thing hadn’t happened’ excuses. And you guys, the Imposter syndrome... All of the thoughts in my head for why I was failing, why I wasn’t worthy, who the hell did I think I was, who the hell cares… You get the picture. I am still working through some of this. But in doing so, I've been forced to reassess, reevaluate, and reprioritize some things. My confidence has been shaken and I'm terrified of not being able to pay my bills, but I am trying to accept that rejection is the universe’s protection. Change is necessary for growth but for control freaks like me, this is definitely a test of patience.
It's not all terrible - I had some really, really good things happen in the last two and a half years. I was nominated for several awards, got to direct some incredible shows, Moose and I moved into a new place, and I made some major connections in my industry. My relationship with Moose has also only gotten stronger and I do not take for granted my tight nit group of girlfriends #soulsisters who support me, but also call me on my shit. They value me, remind me of my intrinsic worth and never, ever let me get away with saying the shit to myself that I wouldn't let anyone else say about themselves. But they are BRUTAL. We are all accomplished women in our 40’s & 50’s - we don’t have time for subtly and even fewer fucks to give. We say what we mean and mean what we say.
But because I am in this weird state of limbo right now, it’s also sorta forced me to reconsider my vision for what I want ActressesWhoCook to be and who I want to be... Assuming I can get out of my own goddam head, first.
Thank you, readers, for sticking it out. I hope you can forgive me for my absence. I cannot promise there won't be breaks again in the future, but I'm right where I need to be right now.
Comments